# 012 March 23, 2009
In essence, what you are saying is, “I’m sorry you are too self centered to realize what I said should have been helpful to you. Instead your poor ability to understand sensible conversation caused you to take what I said wrong, and get your feelings hurt. Since you obviously do not have the ability to grasp normal conversation and intelligent principles, then I’m sorry.”
What kind of apology is this?
For whom is an apology meant, the person giving the apology, or the person receiving the apology?
Is it for the person that made the statement, or for the person that has been offended? Logic would tell us that the apology is to show regret for hurting or offending the other person. In principle this is true, but this is generally not what we do.
We generally frame arguments and conflicts as we perceive them, and we tend to take a statement that offends someone else and use it as an excuse to get offended ourselves.
Child that got hit: OW! That hurt!
Child that dropped the toy: I’m sorry.
Child that got hit: But it hurt!
Child that dropped the toy: I said I’m sorry, guahhhh I didn’t meant to do it.
Child that got hit: so, it hurts…
Child that dropped the toy: I’m sorry, if you hadn’t stuck your head in the way I would have hit you. You’re such a crybaby…
In order for an apology to be a true apology, the person apologizing must be sincerely contrite. The Encarta Dictionary defines contrite as: repentant – deeply sorry for having behaved wrongly.
If someone says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it”, then that is not an apology. That is a defense. As humans we have an inborn need to defend ourselves. To allow ourselves to be truly contrite means that we must be truly defenseless. We don’t like to be defenseless. To be defenseless means to be vulnerable… who wants to be vulnerable?
To be truly contrite means that we are willing to expose ourselves (and our feelings) to someone else; “to let our guard down.” Letting our guard down means to allow our emotional self to be exposed and this means we might be hurt. To be vulnerable. Not perfect. Not in control.
How can we satisfy our need to be right, if a true apology has to be honestly contrite? We cannot. This is all part of that pain that goes with growth. The admission outwardly that we said or did something hurtful to another comes with the inner admission that there might be something wrong with our inner laws or “agreements” (see It’s Always About Me Part II).
How can we do this? An apology is not an apology if there is any hint of defense in the apology. If you hurt someone (physically or emotionally), the issue is not if you meant to do it. The issue is not that you did not do it on purpose. The issue is that you hurt another person.
A true apology is simply a request for forgiveness. It is an admission of guilt. We don’t like to admit guilt. If our relationships are to be built upon trust and faith without fear, then we must learn to be able to admit guilt and ask forgiveness.
Next time you wrong someone, try a true apology.
If you say something that hurts another’s feelings, simply say, “I am sorry. I was wrong. What I said hurt your feelings and I should not have said it. Please forgive me.” That’s it. Don’t try to explain why you said what you said. Don’t try to defend your actions or statement. The minute you offer any type of defense for your words or deeds, you have made your apology a defense for your actions and placed the blame on the person you hurt. This adds more hurt to the offended person and does nothing to restore the relationship.
When trying to understand the feelings of others, don’t mistake introspection (looking into your own heart and feelings), for your understanding of the other persons feelings.
Stay tuned for Part IV.
With warmth and regards (as always),
Allen
To reply or comment:
For the record, I'm sorry for anything I may have said that insulted you, but had you not disagreed with me I never would have said those things in the first place.
ReplyDeleteThis blog puts me in mind of the book I just finished reading. In her book, "The Sociopath Next Door", Martha Stout, Ph.D. states that in American society there is a 4:100 ratio of sociopaths. The type of apology you describe, where blame is placed rather than forgiveness asked, is one of the many ways our society encouragesor at least tolerates, sociopathic behaviors.
ReplyDeleteWe tend to think of sociopaths as the occasional monster, like Dahmer or Ted Bundy, when in fact the sociopath next door may be the guy or girl who cannot apologize sincerely.
I'm not saying all insincere or "fake" apologies are psychopathic.... but it is an interesting correlation. More often I think people are embarrassed or upset with themselves for causing someone else pain and as you pointed out become defensive.
There is food for thought here.
Nemaste!
Like the title says... "It's always about me". I don't think you have to be a sociopath (or a psychopath) to want to protect No. 1. The ego is so strong that we can actually convince ourselves anything is right... as long as we believe it. One of my axioms of life is "human beings have the amazing capacity to justify any action, given enough desire or motivation". As you say, some people do not have the capacity to see anything from any point of view but their own, therefore everyone else should understand. It's always about me!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck? It's powerful.
ReplyDelete